I Remember Mama

The one year anniversary of my mom's death is quickly approaching. With it have come a flood of emotions, mostly tears, over the past couple of weeks.

This past year I have had to learn more than I ever wanted to know about grief. Beforehand, I knew very little.

I had watched other people grieve. For example, I distinctly remember my mom grieving her dad's slow deterioration due to Alzheimer's Disease and eventual death. I certainly learned a lot from watching her.

I had also studied the role of a nurse regarding grief during Nursing School, memorizing the different stages, studying what to say and what not to say to the grieving patient, etc. I suppose I learned a little from that as well.

However, there is no way to really understand grief unless you have truly experienced it yourself.

Before losing my mom, I had been blest to have only lost relatively distant family members... My grandfather, my cousin, my aunts, all of whom I was close to and missed dearly but none of whom were as near and dear to me as my own beloved mother.

Everyone grieves differently. While I am an extremely emotional person and cry very easily, I do not like to cry in front of other people. I get embarrassed and worry that I am making the other person uncomfortable so, if I feel the tears coming, I either retreat to a private place to "finish" or I force myself stop.

Since talking about my mom usually brings a flood of tears, I tend to not talk about her to other people (aside from my immediate family, of course) or quickly change the topic if she does come up since I know that I cannot make it through a conversation about her without breaking down.

Since I am the absolute epitome of an extrovert, it actually really helps me in the grieving process to be able talk about her.

My mom was such an amazing, and yet humble person that I have always loved to brag about her and just because she died, that hasn't changed. If anything, I feel an even stronger desire to share her life now that she is gone.

Before she died, my mom used to visit me every Tuesday evening after work. My dad worked the night shift on Tuesdays so, rather than go home to an empty house, she would come around four o'clock, stay for dinner with my husband, children, and me, and leave around seven o'clock. It was wonderful and yet, I totally took it for granted.

Not surprisingly, the tears often come on Tuesday evenings around four o'clock.

In honor of my mom, I plan on using Tuesdays to share a little about her life. My goal is not to make this a weekly thing, (since if you follow my blog you know that I am incredibly inconsistent) but rather to share about her whenever God puts it on my heart to do so.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."
-Psalm 116: 15