The Act of Saying Goodbye

Sometimes saying goodbye to one we love is more about actions than it is about words.

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A couple of Sundays ago my family celebrated my Grandmother's birthday. Knowing it would most likely be her last, we tried our best to make it an extra special gathering.

My Aunt prepared a delicious, moist Sauerbraten and buttery mashed potatoes and my sister baked a classic yellow cake from scratch with homemade chocolate frosting. And from the moment my Aunt asked that I bring bread and a salad, my domesticated heart did a little leap for joy because I knew exactly what I would prepare!

Up until my mom died, my parents always hosted Christmas at their home. Both family and friends were invited and there was always enough space at their dining room table for more. 

The first year after I was married was one of my favorite Christmases ever because my husband and I, in all of our newlywed bliss, having been married a whole three months at this point, got to spend the day announcing that we were expecting our first little bundle of joy! (I'm pretty sure that was the best Christmas gift I ever gave my mom - even though, of course, she already knew since I had told her a few days prior, mere hours after reading that positive result. ;)

It was also this year that my mom decided to delegate a very important job to me. She asked me to prepare her much-loved, highly-anticipated, from-scratch Sweet Crescent Rolls to be served with Christmas dinner.

I was very nervous to take on such a responsibility but she reassured me that I could do it and I'm so glad she did! Since then I have been the designated Sweet Crescent Roll baker for holidays (we serve them at Easter as well) and I got to practice making them and harass my mom with questions enough times that I felt pretty confident in the process by the time she died.

Well, when my Aunt suggested I bring bread to what would probably be my Grandma's last birthday party, I knew these Sweet Crescent Rolls would be perfectly appropriate for the occasion.

Now, I wouldn't be surprised if my Grandma wasn't even able to eat more than half of her roll but, for someone like my Grandma, who's love languages are, without a doubt, food and actions, my basket of warm, freshly baked rolls was the sweetest gift that I could give.

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I have always been a tea person. While I love the aroma and ambiance of coffee, I am so affected by caffeine that I have never felt the need or desire to start a habit that is so difficult to break. So, tea is my drink of choice.

When I was little and my mom would take us to visit my Grandma, they would always drink a cup of tea together. For my sisters and me she would prepare a kettle of 'baby tea' which is, in my family, mildly brewed decaffinated tea, sweetened with honey and watered down with milk. There at her kitchen table all the girls would enjoy a tea party complete with lots of fresh fruit - grapes, sliced pears, and cubed cantelope - and cookies - Lorna Doone's, Social Tea Biscuits or, my favorite, her homemade Anazette Biscuits.

Since those days, many cups of tea have been enjoyed between my Grandma and me. Regardless of who's home it is at, even the shortest of visits provided ample time for a quick cup of tea together.

Perhaps that is why I felt a bit sentimental when it came time for my Grandma's birthday cake to be served and my Aunt asked us if we would like a cup of tea. (Ironically, we both opted for hot water with lemon and honey but it was a warm beverage all the same.) This precious memory of our last cup of tea together is one I will take with me and cherish for the rest of my life.

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This past week my Grandma's condition has rapidly progressed for the worse. Each day she is much weaker than the day before. 

Such a blessing it was that earlier this week, my husband came home from work in time to bring the boys and me down for what we planned on being a quick visit but turned into our last dinner with my Grandma. Since that night she has not been strong enough to sit up in a chair any more so it gives me so much joy to know that we were able to enjoy a family meal, all together.

Before we left I was able to look her into her eyes and say those phrases we often wait until death to say: 

"I love you so much!"

"I'm sorry for all the times I've failed you."

"Thank you for all you've done for me."

 &

"Give Mommy a kiss and a hug for me when you get there!"

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Yesterday I just needed to see my Grandma. Knowing that her condition had worsened significantly since I had seen her only forty-eight hours prior, I wanted to kiss her cheek, hold her hand, and stroke her hair. I wanted her to know I was there, even if briefly, and tell her that I love her.

With my ever-faithful sister by my side, I made the spur of the moment decision to forget the piles of laundry and stacks of dishes and make the trip down to see this woman who has enriched my life so immensely. 

Well, am I ever glad I did!

I left my two older boys in the car (much to their dismay) to be entertained by my sister and aunt while my youngest and I went in to find my beautiful olive-skinned, black-haired (no hair coloring at 89 years of age!), black-eyed Sicilian beauty of a grandmother, lying in a hospital bed in the living room looking very much the way my mom did when she died almost exactly two years ago. (She is dying of nearly the same type and growth of cancer as my mom did, making it a double whammy on my heart since I am still grieving the loss of my mom.)

After my stomach did a flip-flop and my eyes filled with tears, my baby and I made our way over to her to say hello. Well, my happy, smiley seven-month-old boy provoked the biggest smile from this weak dying woman that I could have imagined. Her entire face lit up the moment she saw him.

"What a joy he is," she said over and over! "He looks like you, Laura!"

While I was able to share the gift of my child with her, she was able to share the gift of her smile with me. Such a simple exchange but so much more precious than most of the gifts we exchange in our short life span here on earth.

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A cup of tea, a buttered roll, a smile between the youngest and oldest members of our family: all of these things are my way of saying goodbye to my dear Grandmother who has influenced the person I am today in so many ways.

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And with the wisdom of the saints in my mind and on my heart:

Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life;

Rather look to them with full hope that as they arise,

God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things;

And when you cannot stand it, 

God will carry you in His arms.

Do not fear what my happen tomorrow;

The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day.

He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

St. Francis de Sales